Identity Crisis

For more than 34 years, I had a decent idea of who I was and what I was supposed to do in life.

- get good grades in school
- graduate from high school
- attend college
- get good grades in college
- graduate from college
- get a decent paying job
- get into a good business school
- get good grades in business school
- graduate from business school with well paying job
- own my own condo
- get married
- have kids

So now I have the most adorable 4 month old ever (yes, I am biased), and I am sitting here thinking, now what!? I am not working, because of our recent move and my health issues having said beautiful baby. Not that I mind, so much, but I feel so ill prepared for this new phase of my life.

I look around and think that the only people I talk to each day on a regular basis are Bailey, my husband, and my parents. Bailey doesn't reply back to me. Mark is quite busy at work, but at times can send me an e-mail. My phone bills are atrocious because I call my parents multiple times a day. But I don't get to see them.

My head is filled with all sorts of information, but none pertaining to how to get an infant to sleep in her own crib through the night, or how to deal with painful mastitis. Argh!

And now, with the financial markets on an epic roller coaster ride, I wish I could just take the time to observe what is going on. What a great time to learn! But I cannot. There is no time. I hardly have the chance to take a shower.

I would never give this experience back. Do not get me wrong. But I think something should be said about how difficult the transition becomes... I was prepared for our daughter's birth. I read up on everything you could ever know about miscarriage and autoimmune diseases. But I didn't crack open a single book about parenting. I was too scared to get ahead of myself, out of fear she would not arrive to this world safely.

So here we are. I think she needs a diaper change. I can do that. She coos when she's content, and that warms my heart because I feel like I got a few things right. And when she cries, it's a process of elimination. I'm okay with that now.

But wow, I wish I would stop looking at well dressed women with awe when they are going about their business on a random Tuesday. I wish for a minute, that I was one of them again.